Assertiveness Tips to Boost Your Confidence and Self Esteem

Most people who have low confidence or self esteem want to be assertive. They want people to listen when they talk and actually hear what they have to say. They often assume that other people find it easy to be assertive – that they are aggressive, almost.  They also feel that being assertive means being strong enough to give your opinion to others – whether they want it or not.

In reality, most people go through stages of feeling anxious or nervous in some situations.  The difference between these people and those who suffer from low esteem and confidence – the first group of people have the confidence to fake it; they can act confident even if they’re not feeling confidence or assured.

Being assertive can often be mistaken as being aggressive, by those who have issues with confidence and esteem.  However, an assertive person is really just someone who has learnt the skills needed to openly communicate their feelings, needs, wants and thoughts, clearly and with confidence – whilst also acknowledging the needs of others.  An aggressive person really doesn’t care what the other person is feeling – physically or emotionally.

So, how can being assertive actually help you boost your self confidence and self esteem? Well, in reality they are all interlinked – help one and you help the others.  Common elements to help you boost these areas in your life include:

  • Creating positive boundaries – know where these are and you are more able to communicate them to others
  • Use of body language – acting confident and assured can make a huge difference to how others see you
  • Tone of voice – if you speak in a timid voice you will be either ignored or walked over. Practice sounding confident
  • Watch the language you use – keep it positive and don’t use negative words when describing yourself or what you are talking about. Don’t keep apologizing either!
  • Saying thank you – thank yourself and others for their input; it will make their day and yours!
  • Behavior – do you worry what others will think of you? Do you think you are being selfish? Well this will all show in your behavior, so stop worrying!
  • Saying ‘no’ – keep it brief and to the point – and be honest. As you already know, the first time is the hardest.  If necessary, repeat your statement in a calm, soft, persistent manner.  Remember, you are rejecting the request – not the person.  If you explain why you have said ‘no’; there really isn’t much more you can say and the other person chooses how they perceive this.
  • Positive attitude – a ‘can do’ attitude, along with a positive outlook helps lift your mood and outlook, as well as helping others lift theirs.  It also helps you attract others to you and makes them want to listen to what you have to say.

Being assertive is having confidence in your opinions – as well as others.  It is about believing in yourself and believing that you matter as much as the next person; and so does everyone else.  It is well known that you should treat others how you expect to be treated – however, you have to be able to treat yourself in the same manner.  After all, if you treat yourself with respect, others will respect you and you will command respect too.

12 Responses to Assertiveness Tips to Boost Your Confidence and Self Esteem

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  2. I enjoyed this message because I suffer from anxiety. So seeing your tips on how I can improve my life is definitely very encouraging. I will be sure to share this with co-workers in hopes that it will also allow them to live a happy life.

  3. Though the generalized suggestions are good, specific comments on how to do each of these things would sure help. For example, “act confident” . How? Do I walk in a different way? If so, how? Examine body language, e.g. do I walk with head down and shoulders rounded? If so, Should I practice standing up taller in public, smiling and greeting people whose names I don’t know but whose faces I do ( like clerks in shops)? Should I smile more often? Will that in itself make me feel more confident or will getting smiles back or both?

    I realize you’re only writing a bloc here, not a book, but maybe a blot on each step? You have wonderful ideas but I need some practical advice on how to implement them. Especially how to raise my own self-esteem (I simply do not see what other people see in me nor understand why some want to be me or like me when I see nothing. But negatives about me). Also how not to worry. How do I do that when I never feel safe, even at home ($ worries).

    Love your book, your website, your blogs, but still feel at a loss about how to put general suggestions into specific practice.

    • Hi Alexandria, thanks for taking the time to leave a comment. There is practical advice dotted throughout this blog and within the book. I understand your frustration, as I have been there myself – looking for answers. Quite often when you ask someone to ‘act confident’ they will change their body language – they will stand taller, pull back their shoulders and hold their head higher – so this is what is meant by ‘acting confident’. It’s the same with smiling; smiling more often in general will help you feel happier, lighter & more confident (as well as making other people happier!).

      You mention having self esteem issues & not understanding why someone would want to like you. There are specific actions in ‘The Self Confidence & Self Esteem Bible’ that will help with this, however it is not a ‘quick cure’ book. You have to spend time understanding what your current situation & beliefs are, before you can work at improving them; take time to work through the workbook that goes with the book and actually do the exercises & fill in the templates, even if you don’t feel that all the sections are relevant – as all areas of your life ARE interlinked and will affect each other. Start by using the affirmation ‘I am a worthwhile & likeable person’ – repeat it to yourself several times a day, write it on a small card and look at it often – repeat it until you start to believe it. There will shortly be a six week course available that will be going into more depth on all the areas covered in the book. In the meantime remember: you are a perfect unique person with your own amazing qualities! Sending you big hugs, Sarah

      • Thank you, Sarah, for responding to me directly. I did see some specifics, like the Gratitude Journal, which I’ve done before and which made me less unhappy, helped me stay in the present, but which didn’t Seem to affect my poor self-esteem. Maybe I missed something, though I read book twice. 🙂

        • P.s. I assure you I knew it wasn’t a quick-fix book or anything like that. But I may be used to therapists (whom I can’t access any longer due to lack of health insurance) who gave specific actions for me to take in order to WORK on a problem area (emphasis on work intentional since I know any self-improvement takes courage, honesty, self-evaluation, insight, and lots of hard work). I’ve done plenty of it. Have a few areas that still trouble me. Will look for specific steps to things like “acting more confident” again as I swear I did not see them when I read book (twice). And I am not asking you to be my therapist so you don’t have to respond. I really like your book, website, blogs, and commitment to women. I guess I just missed the specifics somehow. Thank you for caring about other women.

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